"People'd be so fortunate to have you in their lives."
Yesterday, as I was driving home from a gathering, I noticed the highway I was driving on. Noticed how the lamp posts looked like little flowers. "How'd they erect those things so high anyway?" I asked myself. Noticed how pleasant it was to be stuck in traffic with the windows down listening to some 70s hits. And no, before you ask, I was completely sober (okay, well, I had a beer).
These days, I wake up without the need for an alarm clock. I do things based on my energy at the moment. Time no longer feels linear. It no longer feels like it goes by quickly. If I feel creative, I will write or draw. If I feel emotional, I'll do something based on the emotion I'm feeling. If I'm feeling happy, I'll do something social or break out into a silly dance. If I'm feeling sad, I'll "introvert" at home and watch something nostalgic and order me some McDees.
I feel this heightened sense of awareness. An overall improvement in my energy levels throughout the day. As if my mind, heart, and body are working as one. I feel powerful. Fearless. Creative. I feel peaceful. I feel appreciative. I feel grateful. I feel privileged. I feel humility.
I feel loved and the need to spread love.
Last year, I had this thought during one of my walks. I thought, "I just want to die with a smile on my face." Five or six years ago, this probably would've been "I'd like to leave behind a legacy." I think the whole legacy thing was just something my ego came up with: "you gotta leave something behind, Justin! So make a ton of money and be successful!" Perhaps dying with a smile on my face will be leaving a legacy anyway.
Ever since I got back from Spain in the middle of April, I've been sleeping on the couch in my room since my bed frame's been broken. The funny thing is, I'm fine with it. I don't need anything more. The couch does the job–it allows me to sleep and rest. In fact, I think I've been subconsciously training myself to adapt to the couch-surfing lifestyle.
These days, I'm deeply appreciative of the beautiful and pleasant world we live in. I get a warm feeling when I see people laughing. I feel empowered and inspired by the unique stories people tell. Trees and flowers are often mesmerizing (and I end up touching and engaging them). The flight of birds and butterflies are whimsical and awe-inspiring.
Painful moments have been healed at a much faster rate. Perhaps because I learned how to tend to my emotions. If it's heartbreak, I usually immerse myself in the emotion for a few days listening to 808's & Heartbreak moving on in a few days' time. Immersion in our emotions is a beautiful feeling. It's actually quite nice to feel momentarily sad. Sometimes I think that it'd be unfortunate to not feel sadness because then how can we feel happiness (or other emotions) without being able to differentiate and contrast them?
I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and thought to myself, "people'd be so fortunate to have you in their lives." And it's not narcissism. Last thing I want is to be associated with some sorta superiority complex. It's, well, self-love. Self-acceptance. Self-actualization.
I first stumbled upon the concept of Self-Actualization in high school. It's a theory about basic human needs theorized by my boy Abraham Maslow. In simple terms, it's the idea that when our most basic needs are met: food, water, shelter, love, prestige, are met, then we'd eventually align with who we truly are.
The funny thing is, our capacity for our basic needs can be adjusted (much like the bed-couch situation). I sometimes joke that on my last tax return, I only got back $2. But hey, at least I didn't have to owe taxes! And I'm working a job I created for myself, so at least work feels like play.
I'm not sure if this is actually self-actualization (pun intended), all I can say is that it feels right. Maybe I'm there, maybe on the cusp, or maybe not, but regardless the label, I feel at peace with myself. And I think that's the most important thing.
💵 Balance: $2374 (️️⬆️ $114)
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